Munfurawa

My mother raised me to be a healer. All of my talents, my physical appearance, my race and even my pedigree were that of a promising young mage. Magical and aetherial and oh so graceful.

I never wanted to be a healer. I never wanted to study at the ‘Mages College’. And I never asked for Teachers who would differ in teachings so greatly it would drive any pupil mad. One teaching one way, the other teaching another. One dealing in nothing but gray, another dealing with absolutes only and the third… well the third was just unpredictable to say the least.

One teacher dealing in gray matter. The matter of “If you want to succeed in life you must break rules that are seemingly useless.” Who decides if they are useless? Who decides, if it is a rule worth breaking for your own advancement and who decides your success should be more important than the people said rules are intending to protect. What makes me so special? The Audacity. But if you adhere, you are weak.

I liked the teacher with set in stone rules. If you followed the rules, however arbitrary they might seem, you were safe. If you chose not to, well that was your decision. And that decision would have consequences. Consequences which unfortunately were just a tad out of proportion.

A third teacher to be unpredictable. Sometimes I would get praised for the slightest achievement other times scolded for the tiniest mistake. I guess it depended on the weather, or the way the stars aligned with the moon that night. Or maybe just whether they got up with their right foot or left that day.

For Years I had been confused until I figured out a very important – maybe the most important – life lesson of mine. And if you pay attention, you might learn it too.

To give you more insight and an extensive foundation for your own findings I shall, in true scientific fashion, elaborate on my teachers. Let’s call the first one Gina, the second Tina and the third Mina. We wouldn’t want anyone to gain a bad reputation as they are well regarded in the lands of Tamriel. And just for the off-chance this Thesis should succeed I shall protect their identities.

How nice am I?

Gina always carried herself with a smile. She has had great successes throughout her life, accumulated many achievements, big and small and has always made sure to portrait as a very caring person.

If you would want to take my word for it, I think she cared more about what other people thought of her actions, than what kind of consequences they would have for the person experiencing them. You know the – to the outside world we must portrait a perfect picture – kind.

I never really found anything wrong with it. Until it would interfere with the whole ‘you must not tell lies’ side of things. How do I portrait a lie, without telling a lie? And if I actually succeeded in making people believe that lie, how am I not a fraud?

Well, I’d say those questions are valid, then again – not helpful to success. And this perhaps, in not so many words, was the lesson I was taught. Not everyone is allowed insight to your life, the workings of your mind and the feelings you harbour.

A powerful tool to wield without a doubt, although difficult to master without guidance. Later on in life I realized that even Gina herself may not have fully understood what or rather how to wield it.

Which brings me back to the before mentioned conundrum: how to tell a lie without lying and how to not feel fraudulent while doing so?

Boundaries! Oh – how I love boundaries. Nobody tells you how useful boundaries are. You do not have to lie. You can simply state: boundaries.

Or in other words share as much as necessary to bring across a point, but leave out all the details.

For Example: I grew up in a very fortunate Estate and had many opportunities to grow.

Translation: The necessities such as food, clothing, shelter as well as education were provided. The drive to achieve greatness was installed and if not fulfilled: punished. The understanding that if an achievement is not recognized by others it is to be considered useless: consolidated.

The work – to transform such absolutes into a healthy belief system – well that was to be done in my own time. Without aid, of course.

Tina had realised that she was raised following the rules and the rules did not protect her from harm in later life. Particularly not when interacting with others, therefore she grew to despise rules for their illusion of safety. Her childhood was spent in a sheltered home, a home which provided her with everything she would ever need to succeed as a scholar. Unfortunately what makes for a great scholar and outstanding teacher, takes its toll in other aspects of life. As there comes a time in which one must realize that everything they have learned in their childhood was not as black and white as it first seemed.

Tina took much longer than most to understand. She tried throughout her life to do everything by the book. Personal life choices should not be made by the book though. The book doesn’t tell you of manipulation, the book doesn’t teach you of betrayal and the book most definitely is blind to agendas.

Tina believed that if she worked hard enough, she would be able to outrule the lawlessness of relationships. And failed. Over and over and over yet again. There is only so much loss, rejection or pain a mind can take before it breaks. Some break in a violent way, in an outrage. Some stay quiet. So quiet, you won’t see them fall apart until it is too late. You’ll think they are ‘being difficult’ when all they are trying to do is navigate life as best they know how to, whilst coming to the understanding that the tools they were given are of no help at all.

Throughout my time at the Mages College I got to observe that process unfold, slowly, quietly. My time as Gina’s pupil had taught me that rules only apply to a certain extent. Some are meant to be broken, adjusted or kept to a T. It all depended on the extent of the action’s consequences of how closely you’d have to apply them.

I was fortunate enough to learn this during my adolescence whilst to a large margin being shielded from consequences that would affect the rest of my life negatively.

Tina was not so lucky. She learned while the world was watching, judging, penalizing. Her world had turned bitter, lonely and small. Her spark was lost along the way and what is left is a leaf on the water, riding along with the most predominant current, hoping to not be dragged under by its force.

Last but most definitely not least. Mina was always a rebel. She never feared consequences as she – more often than not could play on the emotions of others. Manipulation is what smart people would call it. Yet to a young adult like myself it seemed – desirable. Who would not like to dance to their own tune without consequences?

Mina was my Mentor. Now, an apprenticeship is where you are meant to outshine everyone else. Bad school grades can be eradicated with a simple invention of fantastic proportions during your apprenticeship. My grades weren’t abysmal but one could say that improvement was definitely an option. An option I liked to ignore with great skill and conviction.

In my class we were each appointed a mentor although I don’t think there could have been a better choice for me. Maybe I would have turned out different or maybe just the same. Who can tell, since after all our being is just an accumulation of influences and the choices we make when presented with opportunities to grow.

Mina taught me a very important lesson. While in School I learned how to set and stick to boundaries from Gina, in College Tina taught me how to approach rules and actions with distance in order to not lose too much of myself should things turn sour – Mina taught me how to play on emotions or rather desires. Basically everything I wanted to avoid in others, I would now be able to utilize for myself.

Everyone has a weakness. And I don’t mean the physical kind. Maybe I should rephrase that. Everyone has certain priorities. And with the right tools those can be exploited for your own benefit.

Gina prioritized illusion over honesty. Tina prioritized integrity over happiness. Mina prioritized likeability over morals.

All three of them born into a society which means to ignore certain human instincts for the greater good. All three of them lost something along the way due to the lack of balance. All three of them navigated it with one of their primal instincts in mind: to be accepted. Because in a harsh world like ours, a lone being dies!

Or does it?

Now being cursed with half a brain the obvious conclusion to the lessons learned, the work put in and the life I have lived would be to adjust in a healthy manner. Make people feel comfortable to be around you, take care of your doubts, feelings and insecurities and nurture a healthy relationship with them. That indeed would make you a true asset to society and your beloved ones as well. But then there is another path, much easier and at least for myself much more fun to take. Ignore the reasonable voices … and embrace … the demons leading you to Misery!